You Can't Be Serious
by Shmowzow
Summary: Emma finds herself forced into adhering to a ridiculous custom from Fairytale Land. Regina has something to say about it. SwanQueen
1. A Question of Eligibility

You Can't Be Serious

Chapter One: A Question of Eligibility

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters. I just like playing with them and making them play with each other.

Warning: Implied sexy times. Language, maybe. Ridiculousness. People being stupid heads.

* * *

"King James, Queen Snow White." Baelfire gave a respectful bow to both rulers before turning to the current bane of his existence. "_Hook_." The very same bane of his existence that he'd been watching flirt quite blatantly with the mother of his child, the woman who held his affections. His puppy dog gaze softened as he met Emma's. "Princess Emma."

Her eyes were so lush, so green, so unendingly beautiful that he found himself getting lost in them. Completely ignorant of the confusion and growing irritation swirling in those eyes. He didn't know why they hadn't immediately gotten together after the whole Neverland debacle. He thought it was pretty clear that Emma was still in love with him. They had a kid together for heavens sake. But Emma had been entertaining the pirate and his all too forward advances. Had been avoiding Neal's attempts at clarifying where, exactly, they stood. After over four months of having to endure not knowing, having to watch Emma be around the pirate scum and his flirty ways, Neal had enough. It was time for Emma to decide between the two of them. It was time for them to be a proper family with their son. What did it matter if he used her parents to force her into making the choice she should have made long ago? The choice he knew she would eventually make.

Baelfire refocused his attention upon the King and Queen. "I invoke my right as suitor and humbly request nomination."

Snow seemed to recover first, an almost delighted smile spreading across her face. "Name your terms."

"I challenge all nominated to a test of devotion." Neal smiled softly back at the queen. He knew neither of Emma's parents would allow it to go beyond conversation. Hook would need to be nominated by high royalty in order to participate at all. Yep, he had this in the bag. No longer would Emma have to endure the pirate's shameless propositioning. They could be a proper happy family without the unfortunate villainous additions in the picture.

"I nominate you, Baelfire, and accept your terms." Snow spoke in a tone Emma rarely had the displeasure of hearing. An overconfident, pompous, and downright queenly tone that Emma learned to associate with something really sucky happening.

Hook's features set into an expression of rare seriousness. He glared the idiot boy down. Baelfire was truly his father's son. Striking deals and taking the _cowardly_ approach to reclaiming what he believed to be his. The pirate spared a sneer at Baelfire before shifting his attention toward the King and Queen. Breaking away from his invasion of Emma's personal space to bow with a flourish at the rulers. His dashingly handsome smirk taking residence upon his equally handsome face. "Your Majesties. I invoke my right as suitor and humbly request nomination."

To almost everyone's surprise, King James stepped forward. His blue eyes cool and expression thoughtful. "Name your terms."

Killian held the King's stare, refusing the nagging urge to shoot a smarmy grin at Baelfire. "I challenge all nominated to a test of cunning."

To Baelfire's utter bafflement, Snow's incredulity, and Emma's mounting horror, the king nodded. His arms crossing over his broad chest and an approving smile curling at his lips. "I nominate you, Killian Jones, and accept your terms."

Baelfire wanted to protest, wanted to ask why the king had given his nomination so easily to the scum pirate. He wanted to scream in complete frustration. The plan was supposed to have gone off without a hitch. Emma's parents should have, once it was made clear there were no other eligible suitors, named him as their daughter's betrothed. He never thought it possible that King James would ever give the pirate his nomination. All Baelfire could do was grit his teeth and nod. Smile tersely at James and follow through with what he'd started.

"A request has been made and granted." Snow turned away from glaring at her husband. Her smile, though considerably less enthusiastic, back in place. "All nominated will participate in tests of devotion and cunning." Her voice grew louder in volume, addressing all the shocked onlookers within Granny's Diner currently bearing witness to the exchange. "Any eligible suitors who wish to participate must be granted nomination before the Day of Trials which," It was more polite than anything to inform their subjects of open participation. The entire town was aware that Neal and Hook were Emma's only active suitors. Any one else would have to be granted nomination by the few other high royals currently in Storybrooke. And really, only one out of the whopping three of them would even entertain the notion. "Will be held in two days time."

The diner erupted in a clamor of chatter, an almost thunderous booming of voices meshing and escalating into a heightened buzz. Emma Swan couldn't hear a thing past the uneasy thudding of her heart in her ears. She stared, in pure shock, at her parents and her apparent suitors who all seemed completely unaware of her existence at the moment. Snow was talking in quiet tones to Neal, while throwing little pouty frowns at her husband's retreating form. Charming was walking out of the diner, his arm slung companionably over Hook's shoulder as the two men conversed. Expressions of tactical determination across their features. All Emma could do was stand there and wonder what in the actual fuck had just happened.

"You have no idea what that was about, do you." Ruby settled next to Emma, frowning when the blonde trained her confused and horrified gaze upon her. The waitress shook her head and offered the clueless woman an apologetic half smile. It was really shitty of Baelfire to use the customs of their old world against Emma the way he did. Knowing she wouldn't understand any of it. "You just got engaged to whoever wins."

* * *

Emma sighed heavily, sinking deeper into the relaxing heat of the bath water. Allowing her aching muscles to loosen and willing the persistent headache stinging her brain to vanish. After a very long very loud talk with her parents, Neal, and Hook (one that'd fallen on deaf ears) Emma needed to wash the entire aggravating experience away. Her straight up refusal to take any part in the ridiculous tournament for her freaking _hand in marriage _had been met with a round of unimpressed stares and a patronizing response from her mother. A response of "_sweetie, you don't have a choice_" that had Emma nearly imploding with unconfined fury. She made it clear that she didn't care what kind of stupid customs they had in their messed up fairytale land, she was _not_ going to simply go along with being married off. She had a choice and her choice was neither of the two assholes who thought they could force her into marrying them.

Her frown deepened at the thought of Hook and Neal. She thought she had been pretty straightforward with them about the whole "courting" thing they were doing. She'd told Neal on countless occasions that she had no intentions of getting back with him. Yes, she loved him. He was her first love and she would never forget what they had but she wasn't _in love_ with him. That ship sailed a long time ago. And Hook. Well, Hook was the result of a handsome face and a bout of mild panic. She only kissed him that time in Neverland because she was so confused, so anxious, so desperate to feel anything but what she'd been feeling. She didn't love Hook, she barely even liked him most days. Was she thankful for his help in Neverland? Yes. Did she enjoy his catty quips? Yes. Did she enjoy the ego boost and amusement his constant flirting provided her with? Sometimes. He usually served as a point of entertainment and a Neal repellent.

The blonde groaned and dipped lower into the scented water. She hummed in pleasure when she felt nimble fingers pressing against her tensed shoulders. When she felt the soft, languid press of full lips against the side of her neck. A throaty velvet voice following the action. "Are you not enjoying our bath, Emma?"

"Regin-_ah_..." Emma choked over a moan when the brunette's fingers found a particularly tense knot at her shoulders. She could feel Regina grinning against her neck. Enjoyed the trail of those wicked lips sliding slowly down along her slick skin. Leaving tingles in their wake and a needy ache between her legs. "I was just thinking about _oh_," Regina's devious fingers had somehow found their way to the sides of Emma's breasts. Nails trailing against tingling skin, tauntingly close to hardening nipples. She bit at her bottom lip in attempt to get a hold of herself. She was saying something. Something important... right? "I, _fuck_!"

"Later, darling." Regina rolled her fingers over Emma's taut nipples, pinching lightly before cupping the blonde's breasts. Squeezing and tempting and coaxing the most arousing sounds from her lover. The brunette's voice dropped an octave lower, her teeth nipping at Emma's ear. "Right now I am going to _fuck_ you until you scream my name. Then," One of her hands trailed down along the blonde's toned stomach. "I will consider letting you do the same."

"_Regina_," Emma fought through the delicious fog of arousal. That incessant throbbing between her thighs making it near impossible to get out her next few words. "I... _oh god_, there's... _mmmm yesss_," She hissed, lashes fluttering and skin vibrating with utter pleasure. One of her hands, of its own volition, lifted from the edge of the tub. Fingers tangling into dark tresses and gripping tight enough to elicit a groan from Regina. Her tongue felt useless, her mouth lost to the formation of moans and hisses and groans of elation. It was a surprise even to herself that she managed her next burst of gasping words. "Day of Trials!"

Regina froze at the loud proclamation, the one she was extremely disappointed to find were not the elongated vowels of her name bursting from the blonde's lips in the throes of passion. No, the three words that'd collided with her eardrums were definitely not what she'd been expecting. Separate they were harmless but together, those words left a sour feeling curling within her. Enough so that she felt herself snarling, felt herself settling the blonde (still wrapped intimately in her arms) with a hard stare. "_What_."

"Uh... _ngh_..." Emma panted, struggled to compose words past the delectable humming of her skin. Past the maddening feel of Regina's fingers still pressed against her aching clit. Her hips twitched, desperate for contact, for movement, for Regina to fuck her senseless. "Day of... of... Fuck! Regina just," Her fingers tightened in brunette tresses. Urging the other woman to finish what she started. To ease the throb of desire clawing at her every buzzing nerve. "I can't-"

Brown eyes darkened to desire filled pits of black. The gush of wetness against her fingers reminding her of their current position. A position the queen was not below using to her advantage. She lightened the pressure against Emma's clit, a vicious snarl crawling across her features. "You can and you will. Tell me, _Emma_, what fool decided to invoke the right of suitor. Tell me who has attempted to claim what is _mine_."

If she weren't already sitting, Emma's knees would have given out at Regina's show of jealousy. At her too damn sexy growl of possessiveness. As it was the blonde had to force her body, her mouth in particular, into compliance or suffer the consequences. The consequences being not only her queen's wrath but the pulsing ache in the pit of her stomach not being relieved. "It was N-Neal and Hook."

"Hm..." Regina rubbed lightly, tauntingly, not enough between Emma's thighs. Her mouth curving downward into a menacing frown. "I amend my earlier statement." Her fingers slipped lower, circling Emma's entrance and dipping tauntingly inside. "I am going to fuck you until you scream my name. Then we will pay a visit to your insufferable parents. And _then_," She thrusted two of her fingers inside of the panting blonde, earning a low moaning hiss and a breathy groan of her name. "I will fuck you again and again and again," Each repetition of the word was paired with a slow, deep thrust. "Until I am satisfied with your understanding of who you belong to."

* * *

Emma had never felt so awkward or mortified in her entire life. When Regina said they would be paying a visit to her parents after... bath time, she hadn't thought the brunette meant _immediately_ after. Which is how she found herself, hair still wet from the bath and skin still glowing a faint red from Regina's... ministrations, standing before her parents. Her father frozen still with a bite full of fried chicken between his teeth. Their sudden appearance in a flurry of purple smoke causing her mother to choke on her drink. Charming was quick to drop his chicken leg and rush over to his wife, clapping her on the back. An action that made Emma wince. She'd been on the receiving end of that and it so did _not_ help. It wasn't until Snow's coughing fit died down that Regina decided to speak.

A, some would say evil (Emma decided on amused), smirk at her red painted lips. Emma frowned at Regina's appearance, the brunette had time to magic herself to perfection but couldn't bother drying the blonde's hair? Seriously?

"Snow." It was said in a tone somewhere between patronizing and civil. "Charming."

"Regina." Charming spoke evenly, his narrowed gaze trained on the brunette as he rubbed comforting circles against his wife's back.

"I've received some disturbing news from your daughter." She didn't bother to fight the blatant animosity coating her words. "Particularly regarding the infallible idiocy of Rumplestiltskin's son." She spared a brief glance at the man in question, her signature snarl making itself present. "I would ask you to deny having approved such a ridiculous custom that has no real power in this realm, however I am well aware of how your immense lack of common sense or decency tends to dictate your judgement."

Snow, sufficiently offended and outraged by her former step mother's accusations, stood abruptly from her seat. Meeting Regina's near deadly glare with her own righteous one. "Emma agreed to-"

"Um, excuse me?" Emma arched a brow, her expression set fully at ticked the fuck off. "I never agreed to this arranged marriage crap. In fact," She crossed her arms defiantly over her chest. "I remember telling you _all_," Her furious emerald glare shifted from Snow to Charming to Neal to Hook and then back again. "Exactly where you could shove this ridiculous suitor shit."

"_Emma_!" Snow chastised, expression scandalous. "Neal would make a wonderful husband and Henry would benefit from-"

"Do not _dare_ bring our son into this, Snow White." Regina took a step forward, eyes blazing and scowl worsening. "This has nothing to do with Henry and _everything_ to do with a moronic pissing contest between two foolish _boys_." The brunette turned to the fools in question. Fingers crackling with the tempt of magic when she found Neal's indignant pout and Hook's petulant frown. "Emma is not a toy to be fought over by two selfish toddlers nor is she a prize to be won and you will forfeit your claims to her this instant."

It was Neal that was stupid enough to challenge the raging queen, though Hook wasn't far behind. "Or what? You'll destroy us?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes." Regina did that half snarl, half smirk thing she tended to do that made Emma crazy. The one that made Emma's pulse race and her knees weak and oh shit everyone was looking at her like she was supposed to say something.

"Emma?" Neal looked at her with the puppy eyes he thought were cute but didn't really look right on a grown man.

The woman in question stared wide eyed at a smirking Regina Mills. She should've probably been paying more attention to the showdown than worshiping the goddess standing next to her. The one currently staring at her with a knowing glimmer in her endless brown eyes. It took another call of her name, this time from her mother, to snap Emma back to reality. "Uh, what?"

"Seriously, Em?" Neal was staring at her with wide eyes and a heavy frown while Hook looked almost thoughtful and her parents... When did her father draw his sword? And why did her mother look as though she was about to either tear someone in half or pass out from lack of blood flow to the head?

Emma turned her attention back to Regina, green eyes wide and inquisitive. "Did I miss something?"

"Did you miss something? You can't be serious!" Neal sounded appalled, his voice rising an octave higher than was normal. "The _Evil Queen_ just nominated herself as an eligible suitor!"

"Oh." Emma fixed said queen with an inquisitive stare to which she received a curt nod. Well, at least Regina actually _was_ an eligible suitor. "Okay."

Neal looked as though he was on the verge of spontaneous combustion. "You're okay with _her_-"

"I wasn't aware I had any kind of say!" Emma growled back. This whole thing was stupid and frustrating and why the hell couldn't they just _listen_ to her, why couldn't they just accept what _she_ wanted, for once? She felt the reassuring weight of Regina's hand at her lower back and calmed herself. If they insisted upon hosting the stupid tournament without her actual consent then _fine_. Good luck trying to get her to marry whoever won because she wasn't fucking doing it.

"Neal is right, Emma." Snow spoke in a comforting tone, one that was clearly meant for a child having a tantrum. "We understand that you aren't taking this seriously but _Regina_ is not an eligible suitor. Furthermore," Her eyes narrowed at the other brunette, her voice dripping with malice. "You cannot nominate _yourself_."

"Despite what you like to believe you are not the only Queen residing in Storybrooke. _Furthermore_," Regina intoned mockingly. "I am a more eligible suitor than the two imbeciles you and your _charming_ husband have chosen to nominate."

Snow shook her head vehemently. "No, Regina, just... no. I understand there will always be an underlying rivalry between us but using my daughter's... rebellious nature to-"

"This has nothing to do with a petty rivalry." Regina held her chin up high, nose in the air as though the accusation was the silliest thing she'd ever heard.

"Enough." Charming slammed the pommel of his sword against the table to gain their attention before pointing the sharp end of it back in Regina's direction. "You are _not_ an eligible suitor."

"Oh?" The hand Regina had placed comfortingly against Emma's lower back, the one no one else in the room was aware of, moved downward. Squeezing possessively at Emma's ass and eliciting a barely audible gasp from the blonde. "I think I am." A salacious smirk found its way across red painted lips and she trained her dark, sultry, viciously gleaming brown eyes upon Emma. Stunning the blonde stupid. "Emma, _darling_, tell your charming parents how eligible a suitor I am."

"Well, I mean," There was no hope of suppressing the dark red flush that spread like wildfire across Emma's cheeks, to the tips of her ears, and down along her chest. One last look into the brunette's eyes, one more possessive squeeze of that hand, one more smirk (the one that reminded her of... bath time) and Emma was a goner. Her mouth moving before her head could even bother to catch up. Damn the consequences to hell. "Yeah. Regina and I-"

Emma was interrupted by a loud thumping noise. A noise cause by Snow White down right fainting, her body hitting the ground in the ominously silent room. Neal was just gaping at her like she suddenly sprouted two heads and Hook, well, Hook was Hook. The pirate seemed to be eyeing both women with a lewd grin and an excited glimmer in his cool blue eyes. Charming, however, looked somewhere between enraged, horrified, and physically ill. He also seemed to be muttering something under his breath, something that faintly sounded like '_not my baby girl_' though the sound was covered by the round of shock and awe making its way about the diner.

Regina took inventory of Snow's prone form and Charming's state of shock, her brown eyes glinting delightedly. Evil little smirk crawling across her full lips. She leaned in closer to Emma, hot breath caressing the blonde's furiously blushing cheek. "Are you ready for me to show you who you belong to?"

The occupants of the diner didn't even get the chance to recover from the revelation before Emma's magic whisked them away. The two women disappearing in a swirl of blue smoke.

* * *

**A/N: Oh man. After reading this over I'm surprised I got through that second scene without realizing I was writing dirty things that went beyond implication. Hope ya'll enjoyed. Currently contemplating expanding this craziness. Idk what happens in muh brain.**


	2. This Is Why We Knock

You Can't Be Serious

Chapter Two: This Is Why We Knock

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters. I just like playing with them and making them play with each other.

Warning: More than implied sexy times. Language, probably. Parents and children alike getting scarred for life.

* * *

Henry fixed his mother with an altogether unreadable expression. Hazel eyes strangely placid, mouth set in an even line. His body language, however, was a different story entirely. His arms were crossed over his chest and his stance, well, it was down right _chastising_. It also reminded Emma very much of the kid's other mother. She couldn't get over how alike they looked when in came to scolding her.

"Ok, kid." She arched a brow at him. The silence was starting to get on her nerves. If she thought she hated it when Regina was giving her that look it was even ten times worse coming from their son. "What gives?"

His arms uncrossed, hands moving to his hips, and expression morphing into one of mild exasperation. Emma had to wonder if Henry even realized he was basically a miniature version of Regina when he was displeased with something. "Did you break up with my mom to be with my dad?"

The question had Emma's amused expression falling completely. Her soft smirk sinking into a frown, frown morphing into a scowl, and scowl erupting into absolute rage. "What?!"

"Grandma said-"

"No, kid." Emma had to cut him off there and destroy whatever ridiculous thoughts Snow implanted in her son's brain. Ever since Neal started up the whole ridiculous tournament for her hand thing, Snow's (mostly) subtle urging toward her ex had shifted into anything but subtle. "Your mom and I are..." Her brows furrowed in mild confusion, coming to a sudden realization. "Wait, you know about us being together?"

"Aren't you?" Henry's hands fell away from his hips, landing idly at his sides. His own features softening and matching Emma's confusion perfectly. "Isn't that why you guys are always kissing?" He pulled a disgusted face. "Which is super gross by the way."

A dark red flush crawled across the blonde's cheeks. Her eyes widened with both mortification and embarrassment. Sometimes her and Regina got a little _too_ in the moment. And yeah, okay, there was that one time they might've gotten more than a little carried away and their son might've almost walked in on them. That particular situation might have ended with Regina shoving Emma into her (ridiculously large) closet and subsequently forgetting she left the blonde in there. Regina denied it of course but the surprised look on her face when she opened her closet to find Emma half naked and glaring proved her guilt. And fine, maybe there was that one time in the kitchen when they got a little too frisky and Henry walked right in on them. But she told him she was just giving Regina the Heimlich and it seemed like he believed it. He hadn't even questioned why they were shirtless. No. There was no way Henry could know. They'd been so careful not to give themselves away to anyone. Even Regina's entry into the tournament, her statement about being more eligible a suitor than either Neal or Hook, hadn't encouraged any of the townspeople to believe the Savior and the (formally evil) Queen were more than friends. Most believed it was yet another immature squabble between the (allegedly) former mortal enemies. Another way for Regina to get on Snow White's last nerve.

Still, their son could be quite perceptive. "You saw us kissing?"

"You're worse than grandma and grandpa." The deadpan response would've been annoying had Emma not been so mortified by the fact that their son had caught them making out at some point. That he'd even caught _her_ parents making out at some point and oh shit the mental image of it was making her queasy. While still maintaining a fair amount of disgust, a hint of curiosity seeped into his features. "Do people really kiss _that_ much when they're in love?"

Ok, loaded question. She and Regina had been seeing each other for the past couple of months but neither of them had dropped the 'L' word. Emma didn't know what to call what they had half the time besides 'seeing each other' or 'being together'. She wasn't even sure if it could be considered dating since they hadn't actually been on a date. They never really discussed their... relationship in depth. There was Regina's display of jealousy and possessiveness after she'd informed the brunette of the fiercely unapproved (by Emma anyway) dual thing. And then the continued displays of possessiveness immediately after Regina forced her way into the competition. Emma shifted uncomfortably in her seat, she was still a little sore from Regina's most recent reminder of who she belonged to. The woman was insatiable when she felt threatened. Which, Emma didn't really understand. It wasn't like the whole tournament thing would actually go anywhere. They didn't live in Fairytale Land meaning they weren't governed by that land's stupid customs or laws or whatever. Emma figured, since her parents seemed dead set on ignoring her wishes, she would let it run its course.

"Henry," She cleared her throat awkwardly, shaking the thoughts away and fixing her son with a serious stare. "This is really a conversation we should all have together. Me, you, and your mom."

Even though he was frowning there was a devious glimmer in his eyes. "I thought you might say that."

Before Emma could unravel the meaning behind her son's words, his other mother appeared in a swirl of purple smoke. The expression on her face and her stance matching perfectly the one Henry had initially fixed her with. Her voice, however, was a scalding growl of unfettered rage. "I'm going to kill your mother."

Emma and Henry stared at one another, wide eyed.

"What did I do?"

"Emma isn't breaking up with you to be with my dad, Mom."

"What?" Regina blinked slowly. Her expression shifting to mild confusion before understanding dawned. "I meant Snow White." The rage returned. "I'm going to kill that insolent little twit."

"Okay, slow down." Emma caught Regina's gaze. Sending calming vibes and hoping the brunette caught a few. "She might be on my shit list right now but she's still my mother so can we _not_ kill her?" Emma grimaced when Regina's murderous gaze worsened. "At least not until I know what she did?"

"Language." The brunette glared pointedly at Emma before glancing at Henry, her gaze softening when she met her son's curious stare. Emma, however, could see the pure vibrant rage still thrumming through Regina. "Henry, darling, I'm afraid our talk will have to wait until later. There is something I must discuss with your mother."

Henry frowned. He had a lot of questions and she promised to answer all of them with Emma. "But you promised."

The moment he started pouting Regina threw a look at Emma. A '_he gets this from you_' look. A look that flawlessly transitioned into a placating expression that only moms were capable of. "And I will keep my promise, Henry. The three of us will talk before dinner tonight."

The pout only seemed to get worse and Emma decided it would be a good time to butt in. "C'mon, kid. Be good for your mom and we'll go for ice cream after dinner."

At the mention of ice cream Henry (like any normal kid) perked up. Pout giving way to equal parts suspicion and excitement. He looked from Emma to Regina. His steadily brightening gaze inquiring. "Can we really?"

Regina looked about ready to strangle Emma, though she hid it well beneath her winning smile and soft stare. Emma knew how she felt about stuffing their son with sweets so close to his bedtime. "Of course we can, sweetheart."

"Okay!" Mood abruptly brightened by the prospect of frozen treats after dinner, a rare occurrence, Henry decided to let it go for now. "Can I have some money for the arcade?"

Henry addressed his brunette mother who only stared expectantly at his blonde mother who simply stared cluelessly between the two of them. Emma watched Regina's brow arch and lips twitch in mild amusement. The blonde pulled out her wallet obediently, plucking out the only bill she had. "All I got's a twenty. Do you-"

"Thanks, Ma!" Lightening fast, Henry snatched the bill right out of her hand and was nearly out the door before Emma could protest. "Love you guys!"

Emma pouted at Regina. Big green eyes accusatory and lower lip jutted out petulantly. "Not cool."

An adoring, albeit mirthful, smirk took vibrant red painted lips before Regina remembered she was supposed to be upset. Furious, really. "Do you want to know what is not cool, Emma? Your mother-"

"Hey, she might not be super hip or anything and okay maybe she's all about those weird shapeless cardigans and might have asked me the other day what YOLO is and-"

"That is not the point I am attempting to make." Regina hissed, silencing her blonde companion. She pursed her lips, narrowed her eyes, and asked with more than a hint of curiosity. "What in the world is a yolow?"

"Are you serious?" Emma really should've thought about her next few words before voicing them aloud. "Never mind. Sometimes I forget you're like decades older than me."

"What," Brown eyes darkened to near pitch black, her words barely pieced together by subdued rage. "Did you just say."

The blonde remained completely oblivious to the reasoning behind Regina's sudden shift in demeanor. "Well, you were technically this age thirty years ago and stuck frozen in time so you haven't aged for like three decades. So really you've gotta be what? Sixty? Maybe even seventy? Wait, how old were you when-"

"Miss Swan," Her fingertips buzzed with the urge to conjure a fireball. "I strongly suggest you reevaluate this topic of conversation."

Emma frowned at being addressed as 'Miss Swan'. Regina only did that when she was especially pissed of at her and there was no reason for her to... _Oh_. Ok. Emma could remedy the situation. She could totally fix this. "Um... So you want to murder Snow White?"

The attempt at distraction was weak at best. They were both well aware. Emma more so upon recognizing the dark gleam in Regina's eyes. "That didn't help huh."

The brunette merely shook her head, stalking closer. Emma knew that look in her eyes and the intent behind that walk. Knew the meaning behind the wicked smirk slowly curling at the edges of those full lips and the seduction behind that touch. The ghost of Regina's fingertips sliding down along the side of Emma's cheek, trailing lower and pressing beneath the blonde's chin, sent a tremor through her. She lifted Emma's chin and leaned in closer. Her dark eyes were positively smoldering and her mouth less than an inch away. Causing her throaty words to travel in hot bursts against Emma's lips. "But I do believe you know what might."

Emma smirked and met Regina's smoldering stare with a salacious one of her own. "Do you?"

Regina nodded distractedly, gaze flickering from electrifying emerald to soft pink lips. She could feel the quickening thud of her heart beneath her chest. Could feel the organ frantically pumping blood through her veins. Her skin buzzed where it touched Emma's. Her head felt cloudy and unfocused and so deliciously beyond her control. She could never quite figure it out. What was it about Emma Swan that had her feeling as though losing control was a good thing?

"Enlighten me," Emma trailed her nails lightly up Regina's thighs, over the curve her hips, and back down again. Immensely pleased with the way the action caused the brunette's eyelashes to flutter. "Madam Mayor," Her grin worsened when the title elicited a strangled noise from the brunette. She settled her hands atop Regina's hips, gripping lightly. "What do you believe I can do?"

Her dark lashes fluttered once again. Tongue darting out to lick her full lips. She forced herself to focus on Emma's little game. To ignore the feel of her hands, the scent of her skin, and the burn of her gaze long enough to form a coherent thought.

Her, likely unintelligible, response was smothered by Emma's lips. Soft and slow and sensual and coaxing Regina's hands to gain a mind of their own. They tangled in unruly blonde curls, tightening and forcing their mouths closer. Forcing a long, throaty groan from Emma. The blonde tugged at Regina's hips and pulled the woman into her lap. The action forced her to straddle Emma. The office chair emitting a protesting creak at the added weight. Emma's hands sought bare skin, sliding down the sides of Regina's thighs and slipping beneath her tight skirt. They both groaned at the contact, their mouths growing frantic. Lips pressing, tongues dancing, and moans being devoured.

Emma's teeth latched onto Regina's plump bottom lip, nibbling gently and coaxing a low moan from the other woman. Her hands trailed higher up along Regina's bare thighs. Bringing the hem of her tight skirt up with them until her eager fingers skittered over the delicate lace of Regina's underwear. Regina's breath hitched at the contact. The hands tangled in Emma's hair moving to the buttons of the blonde's shirt and deftly undoing them.

With a soft, needy growl Emma stood from her chair. Forcing Regina to lock her legs around the blonde's waist and hold onto her exposed shoulders. The hint of a question swimming in her dark murky gaze was met with Emma swiping her arm across her desk. Sending papers and office supplies crashing to the ground. She set Regina atop the now uncluttered desk and grinned at the thirst she found in swirling ebony depths. Her voice sounded foreign to her own ears. Some low, taunting husk of seduction. "This what you had in mind?"

Regina opened her mouth to respond. Her words dying on the tip of her tongue when Emma suddenly cupped her dripping cunt.

"Yeah." The blonde grinned, pleased by the wetness she found. The cockiness of her tone only seemed to heighten her lover's arousal. "This is exactly what that dirty little mind of yours wants." She ran her middle finger along Regina's slit, pausing to apply the barest hint of pressure to her throbbing clit. "Tell me how bad you want this."

"_Emma_." She hissed through gritted teeth. Only capable of forming the syllables of the blonde's name in her current state. She locked her legs tighter around Emma's waist, rolling her hips in search for more contact. She wasn't interested in playing Emma's little games. The blonde knew what she wanted and she would give it to her.

"Uh, uh, uh." Emma clicked her tongue and shook her head, absently brushing the tips of her fingers oh so very lightly against the other woman's soaked sex. There it was. That fire, that spark, that swirl of something dark and carnal in Regina's eyes. Emma craved it. Craved the heady feeling swimming in her veins. "You're going to have to say it."

God, she wanted to fucking strangle the blonde. Her current state of arousal was maddening and Emma wanted to play a game of 'Battle of Wills'? Regina attempted another roll of her hips, a snarl spreading across her lips when the other woman retreated her fingers. "_Miss Swan_."

Emma pressed two fingers harshly against Regina. Rubbing once, twice, and causing the brunette to throw her head back at the force of her pleasure. She pressed her lips to Regina's bared neck and bit down on her throbbing pulse point. Halting the movement of her hand at the same exact moment. She chuckled tauntingly at the string of bilingual expletives that burst from the brunette at the action, tongue tracing the marks left by her teeth. The sound of the foreign syllables falling from her lover's tongue sent gush of arousal thrumming through her that only added to the desire filled husk of her voice. "Say it."

Regina clenched her jaw and dug her nails into the base of Emma's neck. "I want you to fuck me. _Now_."

She toyed with the strip of fabric separating her from Regina's heated flesh. Teasingly slipped her fingertips past the lace and silk to slide along slick and wet. Her tongue mimicking the movement and swirling promises against the brunette's neck, collarbone, the tops of her heaving breasts. "Say it _nicely_."

"Damn you and your... ugh!" She pulled Emma's expert mouth away from her sensitive skin to look the other woman in the eyes. Unable to hide her frantic state of desperation beneath the fury clouding her gaze. "I need you inside of me right now." She clenched her teeth, the taste of the word burning at her tongue and forcing its way out. "_Please_."

"Good girl." Emma cooed tauntingly. Holding Regina's gaze as she slid her fingers through wet heat and pushed inside. They both moaned at the feel. Regina's eyelashes fluttered and her lips parted while Emma took in every detail.

"Emma." Snow burst into the station, pale features flushed red with rage. "We really need to talk about..." Her eyes widened to the size of saucers once she took in the scene she'd walked right into. Was is possible to bleach one's eyeballs? "_Regina_!" Her wide, shocked stare narrowed at the flushed and irritated brunette glaring back at her. "This is going too far!"

* * *

By the time she managed to placate Snow and get Regina to leave, Emma felt as though she'd just prevented a war. Playing peace keeper was a tough job. And if the look Snow was giving her was any indication, the job was far from over. The blonde half expected Regina to reappear in a swirl of her signature purple smoke just to make things that much more difficult. She wouldn't put it past her... lover? Girlfriend? They really needed to define their relationship before Emma had an aneurism trying to figure it out.

"...and its completely unacceptable!"

Oh. Right. Snow was ranting about... something Regina related. Emma would not acknowledge the fact that her mother had walked in on them in the middle of having sex on her desk. Well, they hadn't actually gotten to the sex part. Emma frowned, remembered the dark tempting pull of Regina's eyes. She shifted uncomfortably, the throb between her legs sending a flush of pink across her cheeks. Man, her mother was a total twat block. A twat block that was still talking. Lecturing. Whatever.

"Are you even listening to me, Emma?"

_No_. "Uh, yeah."

"What did I just say?" Snow fixed her with a stern and fairly unimpressed look.

Well, shit. Emma rolled her eyes at the inquiry and crossed her arms over her chest in defiance. "Last time I checked I was an adult who could make my own choices."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to just stand here and watch you make the _wrong_ choices." Her stern stare intensified, her pursed lips adding to her image of lecturing mother. "Regina can't join the tournament. She isn't an eligible suitor." Snow was nearly growling the words. "Not only is she a woman, she's _evil_."

"Mom," Emma bit down the irritation pulsing beneath the surface. They both knew Regina hadn't been _evil_ evil for a while now. "She isn't evil. And what does it matter if she's a woman?" She shrugged nonchalantly. "Regina isn't the first woman I've dated."

The softness Snow had gained at the rare title Emma afforded her with disappeared completely. Her eyes going wide and a soft, incredulous gasp leaving her. "I thought you liked men."

"I don't really have a preference?" She cursed the way the words came out as more of a question then a statement. Some of her trepidation, she reasoned, was probably attributed to the shocked expression on her mother's face. "Are you totally freaking out right now?"

Snow could sense the shift more than see it. Emma had always been hard to read and she hated the fact. Because of Regina, because of the Evil Queen, her beautiful baby girl had grown up in a world that was harsh and cruel and foreign. Emma had a hard life that forced her to become difficult for Snow to fully understand. The only reason she could even partially understand her own daughter was because of her time before the curse. The time she spent as Mary Margaret, Emma's friend and roommate. It was only because of Mary Margaret's experiences with the blonde that Snow knew what the soft crinkle at Emma's brow meant. What the flecks of grey and blue shining in her daughter's usually vibrant green eyes meant. It was Mary Margaret who knew the emotion lurking beneath Emma's tensed posture and too soft, too hard, voice. And it pained her to know just how scared, how unsure, her usually confident daughter felt.

"Emma, sweetie." Her own expression softened when she caught the slight tremble of Emma's lower lip. She wanted to scoop her daughter into her arms and whisper soothing words into her soft blonde hair. She wanted to be the mother the curse had prevented her from being. She wanted her baby girl to be happy. That's all Snow ever wanted. "Just because you're attracted to women it doesn't mean I love you any less. You can be with any one you want to be with as long as you're happy."

The effect on Emma was instantaneous. Her lips curved into a wide genuine smile and her eyes glistened. Snow had a similar expression on her face. They simply stared at one another in silence. Their previously confrontational conversation nearly forgotten after Emma's vulnerable confession and Snow's subsequent acceptance. Nearly forgotten.

"...except Regina."

The moment shattered, Emma threw her hands up in complete exasperation. "Why does it even matter who joins this dumb contest? I already told you, I'm not just going to marry someone if they win. I'm a person not a trophy, Snow."

Snow outright frowned at the proclamation. The sternness returning toner features. "You are going to marry whoever wins because-"

"I am _not_-"

"_Because_ if you don't follow through it will shame our family."

"You're joking, right?" The blonde arched a brow in disbelief. The whole tournament for her hand thing was getting to be more and more ridiculous. First, Neal started the whole demeaning ordeal by propositioning her parents. Then her parents, who had absolutely no right to dictate any of her life choices, agreed to his idiotic terms. As if that wasn't enough both Hook and Regina decided to get in on the action. Though, Emma knew, Regina's joining mostly had to do with her jealous nature and her need to piss off Snow White. But this, her mother telling her it would be an embarrassment if she didn't just marry whoever won some silly little pissing contest, this was surpassing the realm of ridiculous and barreling straight into insanity. "You agreed to this shit so you wouldn't be _embarassed_?"

The brunette looked scandalized by the accusation. Her expression turning defensive and self righteous. "That isn't why I agreed to the tournament. I agreed to Neal's terms because he is a good match for you, he is a good father, and I know he's your True Love. Emma, there's no way it can be a simple coincidence that he's Rumplestiltskin's lost son. Of all the people in this world, you found him and he found you."

By the end of Snow's explanation, Emma was clenching her jaw so hard she wasn't sure if she'd be able to pry her mouth back open. "Okay, one, this is the same guy that knocked me up and sent me to prison because Pinocchio told him to."

Snow moved to interrupt but Emma silenced her with a gesture of her hand and a hard glare. "Two, Neal barely knows Henry and hasn't earned the right to be called a parent. He's lucky Regina even lets him near our son."

Again, Snow attempted to interrupt but Emma held firm. She didn't want to hear another degrading word about Regina from her mother. "And three, Neal is not my True Love. Yeah I loved him once, but I don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore. They're in the past. Where they belong."

"Emma, you just need to give him a chance to prove-"

"So it doesn't matter who signs up or who wins." She fixed Snow with the full extent of her glare and only felt a little bad about the hurt seeping across her mother's face. "I'm not getting married. Period. Sorry if that embarrasses you, your majesty."

"You don't understand-"

"I think I understand _perfectly_." Emma bit the words out in a near growl, the rage behind them sending a rush of red across her cheeks. "You should go." She abruptly turned away from the brunette and started fixing up the mess she and Regina made of her office. "I have a lot of work to do."

The anger behind the blonde's words and the clear dismissal had a pang of hurt squeezing at her heart. Emma was upset with her and all she wanted to do was make it better, make Emma see that she was right. That her concerns about Regina were justified. But Emma was stubborn, a trait she inherited from an equally stubborn Snow White. Instead of reasoning with Emma or apologizing, Snow did as instructed. She left without another word; her chin held high, tears swimming in her eyes, and anger seeping from her pores. If Emma wouldn't listen to her, if she wouldn't take the situation seriously, then Snow would find another way to make her daughter understand.

* * *

**A/N: How could I NOT continue? Blown the fuck away. Just blown away with the response from the first chapter like wow. I might just have to give you guys a nice little treat and write an entire, lengthy, super hot, smexy scene. How naughty do you guys want it? ;D**


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